I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
