wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
