so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
