I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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