They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
