You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
