Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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