I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Randomize
