there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
