i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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