i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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