A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
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