please come you make the beer taste better
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
