The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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