Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
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