i don't like sucking hair
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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