Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
