Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
