ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
