Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
