You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
