Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
