just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Randomize
