first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
