are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
