Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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