DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
