The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
