The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
