I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
