if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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