I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Randomize
