I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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