i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
