You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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