Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
