My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
