Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
