I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
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