Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
my shit smells like andre
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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