Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
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