he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
