I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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