You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
