I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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