the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
