Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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