i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
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