I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
