He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
