when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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