I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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