My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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